Relaspe: Essay

When I arrived home yesterday evening, I went straight to bed. I was unable to do much of anything I'd planned, mostly due to the amount of fatigue I felt. Yet as soon as I got under the covers, my body began to ache. First it began in the shoulders, a stiff tension that had me squirming. Then it spread until my body felt that same type of soreness you feel after you've had the flu. It was a low-grade soreness, but enough that I could not get comfortable. I eventually ended up taking Tylenol PM to go to sleep to escape it. I also had hot flashes even before I attempted to use the heating pad on my muscles to unlock them a bit.

Not surprisingly, I woke this morning to a hip that conversationally announced its pain and the plan to stay with me throughout the morning. I have been trying to not get sucked into talking to it or myself for that matter, gritting my teeth against the curses that I would surely give into if not the three-year-old ears listening to my every movement. I've already taken over-the-counter medication. It isn't working. If anything, I think my hip and back laughed at my efforts and then redoubled theirs.

There is no room to even be frustrated at my situation. I can only breathe as slowly as I can while trying not to throw something. It's bad enough that my temper is within the minimum safe distance of imminent explosion. I am Riley standing on a platform waiting for Bishop to get me the hell out of there, seeing the elevator rising floor by floor and somehow already sensing that if I am fucked if it opens while I am still on the platform. That elevator is full of monstrous pain, totally inescapable save through the mechanism of sleep.

At least if I remain seated much of the time, there is very little risk of my passing out from it. Motion doesn't work well with this pain. They have bitter arguments that come no conclusion, like boxers in a ring with limitless rounds. I'm not even bothering to think about a doctor. According to medical opinion, there is no reason why I have these pains. CT and X-ray scans have come back clear. I was told that I should get a colonoscopy, not because they thought I had an intestinal issue, but more to just rule out other far-fetched possibilities.

As such, the closest diagnosis I've heard has been either Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia, which was recommended to me by the Tibetan clinic I attend. And despite telling doctors that I have had two serious ice spills on this right hip, not to mention sciatica and tremendous pain that put me on crutches during my second pregnancy, telling them that I have pain in this region results in their looking at me like a crazy person and stating there is no explanation for any of it.

I've been extremely reluctant to go back to the medical establishment lately, particularly to have any more tests done or to shell out more ridiculous co-pays for nothing. I've been told, "Get another opinion." Yes, and those opinions are expensive both in terms of emotional frustration and out-of-pocket expense. You can go to three doctors alone to trying to get one to sign off on a test. And what makes it an even worse head-ache is that I still have insurance that was transferred over the Massachusetts in September. I have to wait until month's end at the earliest to get it transferred back to New York. One headache after another.

So now that I've had my whining session for the morning, I am going to go and fix some lunch for my son. That way I can avoid the obvious pitfall of tossing the keyboard against the wall while I squirm in my chair.

Later.